Two new telephone pole workers reported back to the shop after their first day. Their foreman asked, "How many telephone poles did you install?" The two new workers replied excitedly, " Three!" "Three?" asked the surprised foreman, "the other crew put up fourteen today! Why only three?" The two new workers replied, " Yeah, we saw what the other crew was doing but they were only putting their poles in halfway."
What did the Zen master say to the hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
A man and his friend, a game warden, went out together on a fishing trip. When they got out to the middle of the lake, the man reaches in his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and flings it into the lake. Almost immediately, there is a huge explosion with the water crashing down on their boat and hundreds of dead fish popping up to the surface. "My God!" screams the game warden. "You can't do that. I'm going to have to arrest you!" The man glares back at the game warden and reaches back into his tackle box. Seizing yet another stick of dynamite and lighting it, he thrusts it into the game warden's hand. "Are you gonna talk," he says to the game warden, "or are you gonna fish?"
During a flood, this man climbed on top of his roof to escape the rushing waters. A rowboat appeared to his right. The man on the boat says 'Want to get on?' The dude on the roof says 'My lord will provide' The guy on the rowboat shook his head and rowed off. Then a helicopter flew over the house. A ladder dropped down and the man on it says "Grab on!" The man says 'My lord will provide" So the dude nods and signals the driver to pull away. The flood waters rose and the man died. When he got up to heaven, he says "Lord, why didn’t you provide?" the lord says "What you talking about! I sent a boat and a helicopter!"
Did you hear McDonald's bought the United Center (Home of the Chicago Bulls)? They're going to change the name to the Macarena.
This one guy was at a theater and he was sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn't answer. He went and got the manager and the manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed. The guy mumbled, but didn't answer. So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister. What's your name?" The man said, "Pete." The cop asked, "Where ya from, Pete?" He said, "The balcony."
Why are blonde jokes all one liner's? So that men can understand them.
A 60 year old man went for physical. The doctor complimented him on being in great shape. The man asked what the doctor thought his life expectancy was. The doctor asked him, "How old was your father when he died?" The senior citizen replied, with indignation, "DID I SAY MY FATHER DIED?" The doctor apologized, and asked, "How old is your dad." The man replied: my pop is 82 and playing tennis in the Senior Olympics today. "Fine," replied the doctor, "and how old was your grandfather when he died?" "DID I SAY MY GRANDFATHER DIED?" shouted the man. Again, the Dr. apologized, and asked how old was his grandfather. The man replied, "He's 103 and getting married tomorrow." "Why would he want to get married?" asked the doctor. The man responded, "DID I SAY HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED?"